Email Game 1

by Litterbox

from: Grannie Smiths
to: [email protected]
subject: FWD: SPECIAL OFFER: supportive frog green socks!!! 5 pairs for 10 dollars

dEAR pETER

hOW ARE YOU///

hOW IS WORKJ HOPE THEY ARE PAYING YOU hERE THE WEATHER IS GETTING VVERY HOT WHEN i WENT TO YOOUR AUNTIE tILDA YESTERDAY I ALMOST FAINTEED;;

i mISS YOU A LOT AND i KNOW SCHOOL AND WORK IS A LOT BUT ii DO HOPE YOU WILL FIND TIME TO WRITE ME BASCK ONE DAY

yOUR UNCLKE eUSTACHE HAS LOST HIS

-----------------------------

from: Peter
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: FWD: SPECIAL OFFER: supportive frog green socks!!! 5 pairs for 10 dollars

hi grandma,

school is fine, though a little boring. work is fine too. the other day i had to dispose of old beer vats by setting them on fire. they are paying me.

grandma, you need to look down now. there is a button on your on the very left of your keyboard, the third button from down. or the fourth button from up. there are the letter s capslk written on that button. you need to press it. this is very important.

also you need to turn your spam filter on. ask uncle eustace, he can help you with that.

best,
peter

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from: Kristina
to: [email protected]
subject: passport photo failure

Dear employee of Photoshow,

Yesterday I visited one of your studios in Anderlecht and I would like to file a complaint about an employee. Unfortunately, I do not know her name. It was a friendly girl with hazelnut brown eyes and a blonde pony tail, between 20 and 25 years old.

I explicitly told her that I needed a passport photo for my Belgian passport. She took me to a studio that was covered in blue and pink glitter and told me that there are new requirements concerning gender. So now, next to looking straight in the camera, having visible ears, but invisible teeth, I needed to express my gender in glitter. That, in her words, would allow us to express the scalarity of the concept. For example, if one feels 70% male and 30% female, it is difficult to show this in the verbal gender category on the passport. This is why I had to undress and cover myself in glue and roll through glitter. I selected 80% of pink glitter and 20% of blue glitter and rolled through it. I looked like one of those MTV videos!

The next day, at the registry, people laughed in my face when I showed them a picture in which my entire face was covered in glitter. I was charged 80 euros for this prank. I demand my money back, an official apology, and a representative picture.

Thanks in advance!

Best regards,

Kristina

P.S. I also wish that you do not disclose my 20% blue glitter identity.

from: Photosnow
to: xxXkristyyyygirlygirl_ilovepinkXxx
subject: RE: passport photo failure

We are very sorry that you were laughed at. We can imagine this must not have been easy. It can be very traumatizing when people laugh at your face and treat you like you are an utter joke, or maybe even like a worthless person! Do you feel that way sometimes? Like literally not worth anything? Not even worth an Uber-ride back from a mediocre one-night stand? Imagine having been cum-dumped in and then sent back to your house without even 20 euros for the fare. Does that ever happen to you, Kristina?

Anyway, I am sorry to say that we cannot be of any assistance in this particular situation. This is mostly due to the fact that the studio you visited in Anderlecht is called Photoshow and the email you have sent, the one that I am replying to right now, is to the studio Photosnow, in Ixelles.

We take pictures of snow. I have included one in the attachment for your reference. This one is of a poodle in the snow. But we also take pictures of pineapples in snow, toilet bags in snow, or sometimes, just snow.

We are very sorry about what happened to you and wish we could be of further assistance.

If you ever need a picture of snow taken, we would be glad to give you a 10% discount.

All the best,

Esmeralda from Photosnow

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from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: Flip flops size 41

Hello,

I recently purchased your flip-flops. They are the right size and colour but I’m afraid the plastic they are made of makes them very silent to walk in. I’m sure some people prefer this but I find it strange. Can a flip-flop be a flip-flop if it doesn’t flip-flop when you walk with them? I do not think so. I would like to return them, but I already wore them outside.

Best,

Jen

from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: Flip flops size 41

Dear Jen,

I gotta say you got my by surprise with your email as I was gonna write to you myself.

Ever since I sold the flip flops to you I found myself in utter agony out of grief. Let me explain it in clearer words: the flip flops you bought were not just any other Chinese made plastic flip flops that one can throw out without thinking twice. I got them on my trip to India that turned out to be a great spiritual journey that changed my life completely. I walked over 300 kms in them and they seemed to never wear down which I contributed to this immensely magical quality of my travel. And yes, as you noticed so observantly — they’re perfectly quiet, they never make a tiniest noise, which to me seemed miraculous and inspired great awe in me. Upon my return to America, as the climate here is not as mild as in India, I found myself wearing them less and less often and somehow the magic seemed to be leaving them until they started to seem like normal flip flops to me. This is when, disillusioned, I decided to sell them not to be confronted with this failure of my spiritual explorations. And then, only then, when you came over and took them away, I realized how stupidly I acted!! Everything got clear again.

Please come by and bring them back.

Yours truly,

Jim